Blacklite
by Bananach16
Summary: 2 years after the ending of Breaking Dawn... All was well in the Cullen house. Jasper and Alice and returned and let's face it, why else would we read this crap if it weren't for them? Anyways...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: we don't own twilight

**A/N:**Hey, we know our writing sucks, but we really don't care. We're just doing it for fun. So don't bash us for something stupid like writing when we're obviously just writing whatever the hell comes to mind.

2 years after the ending of Breaking Dawn...

All was well in the Cullen house. Jasper and Alice and returned and let's face it, why else would we read this crap if it weren't for them? Anyways...

Chapter one: Confession

"Bella, there's something I need to tell you..." Edward said nervously.

"Edward, whatever could it be?"

"Well um, you see... I uh... like boys."

"You have two brothers, of course, I already knew that."

"No, I liiiiiiiike boys."

"You-you liiiiiiiike boys...?" she said with an upward inflection.

"Yes you dimwit, I love boys. I'm GAY!" he shouted, exasperated.

"No... no no no. You love MEEEEEEE!" she whined

"Well, let's see why that is. You have no boobs, you talk like a man, you don't like dresses at all, and shopping for you is torture. Ergo, you ARE practically a man!"

"But...but, when did this happen you were supposed to be my one true love, hardships and overcoming all other obstacles..." she whimpered

"...Well, you know when we saw James...? Di-did you SEEEEE him without a shirt?"

"Well, yes... but I was so overwrought with my undying love for you he couldn't compare."

"Uh... well that sucks. You were just a part of my denial. Why do you think I was always brooding at school? There was the internal struggle that I was actually gay. Why do you think I was a virgin for over a century? That's not normal for a straight man, I was just in denial about my true sexuality."

"How are so calm? Don't you care about us at all?"

"Well, I'm dumping you-"

"YOU ARE DUMMMMPING MEEEE?"

"Are you fucking deaf?"

"B-b-but, we loooooove each other! You almost killed yourself... for meeeeeeeeeee" she began to whale

"Um, no. There were some really hot guys, and I mean realllllly HAWT Italian boyzzzz. I thought I would go "fishing" for some men." he said sounding excited. "The breaking up over a paper cut was stupid and a really convenient excuse. I only took you back because my family is a bunch of homophobes, hence why they try to match me up with Rosalie but that didn't work. But now I just don't give a shit, Alice and Jasper are cool with it anyways."

"..." Bella, thankfully for once in her life was stunned into silence... but then the real waterworks started. Anyone who wasn't deaf would gladly chop of there ears to stop the noise, which closely resembled that of a dying whale.

**A/N:** So, we the authors would just like to point out the subtle Mormon parts in Twilight.

Bella cooks for her dad.

Bella does the laundry for her dad.

Bella and Edward get married right out of High School

Bella and Edward don't have sex till after marriage

Edward practically controls what Bella does

Edward is protective of Bella, and he fights while she sits on the sidelines

no gay people in the actual book

Esme stays home while Carlisle goes to the hospital and works.

Rosalie=pretty blonde girl who wants babies but just sits at home. Emmett= big strong man who does the work for her

Edward gave Bella a new radio, wouldn't allow her to do it herself


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two: Plan B

Disclaimer: we don't own twilight

**A/N:**Hey, we know our writing sucks, but we really don't care. We're just doing it for fun. So don't bash us for something stupid like writing when we're obviously just writing whatever the hell comes to mind.

After Bella had shut up, annoying even herself from the sound, she realized Edward had left the house and moved out... his stuff was gone.

So she immediately called Jacob because she felt she had no other option. Though she would get a far bigger surprise than she bargained for.

"Um, hello?"

"J-jacob? This is Bella... I just wanted to tell you-"

And then Bella heard a female voice, not quite unlike her own. (**A/**N:DUN DUN DUN!) "Jacob? Come back over to the bed... or I could come to youuuu."

"Bella? I'm...I'm kind of busy right now..."

"Busy...? Busy with-"

the female voice called again, "Jakey baby who's on the phone...?"

"Uh... N-"

"Jake...? are you with a-a girrrrrl?"

"Bella...Why'd you call?"

and it all came sputtering out, "Edward is gay! And he left me for some hawt Italian boy. I'm sooo alone. C-c-c-c-comfort meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

"Bella! Just calm down Say that again slowly. I didn't he-", and he interrupted himself with a noise Bella didn't expect to hear... a moan. And then his breath quickened and he tried to say, "uh... I'm a b-bit busy right now, c-can I call you later?". She Also heard female giggling in the background as she heard the phone hang up on her. And for the second time that day, Bella sounded like a dying whale.

….so she decided to pay Jake and the mystery woman a visit.

**A/N:** So, we the authors would just like to point out the subtle Mormon parts in Twilight.

The Alpha in the wolf pack is male

females don't get as much authority

female wolves were non existent until Leah


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three: Field Trip

Disclaimer: we don't own twilight

**A/N:**Hey, we know our writing sucks, but we really don't care. We're just doing it for fun. So don't bash us for something stupid like writing when we're obviously just writing whatever the hell comes to mind.

Bella got into her newer car that upon entering she realized that Edward had gotten her this. After such a thought, this brought a hysterical cry to her gaping mouth which resembled that of a squawking bird. This sound continued to emit from her mouth as she traveled to Jacob's house.

After leaving the car, she hesitantly pressed her ear to the door only to find that she heard the squeaky sound of bed springs and questionable noises sounding peculiarly familiar. (**A/**N:Bella is an idiot. In her mind 2+2=fish. So even though you the reader obviously know what's going on right now, Bella doesn't).

Bella quietly opens the door, not making a sound. (**A/N:** the one thing she can do successfully with her sad excuse for a brain) And creeps across the floor, heading in the direction of the source of the noise.

What she see's in the bedroom, causes her to suddenly stop in her tracks. This also causes her too do a face plant.

Jacob found in bed with (**A/N:** As you all know...) RENESME, tangled in the sheets, in a way that makes Bella swallow a little bile. Then they realize they are not alone. Jacob startled wraps a sheet around his shamefully sexy body (**A/N: **What is there to be shameful about? :D) and turns a nice complimenting sheen of red.

"B-b-bella! We were just uh...Wrestling!" Renesme not embarrassed at all, sat up to exclaim, "There's nothing wrong with it, Mom knows what it is." And then she playfully says, " How do you think I got here?"

Bella, seeing the scene before her, let's her mouth drop seemingly to a impossible length and lets out a small dying squawk of anguish to accompany her 'deer in headlights' look. (**A/N: **Which really suits her bland face.)

Bella finding her really annoying whining voice manages to sputter out a single sentence, "J-jacob...I wanna give you a second chance. I just- I n-need... c-c-c-c-c-comfort meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I n-neeeed youuuuuuu."

**A/N**: So, we the authors would just like to point out the subtle Mormon parts in Twilight.

Even though it's technically not possible for vampires to procreate, Bella still has a child, like Mormon women are supposed to do.

Bella's power, is passive and only protects, but she still stands on the sidelines for the most part. She has no physical strength

The only female with an active power, was Kate, Tanya's sister, but it was more of a defense, because you had to be close.

Although Jane has a power that is very painful, it is all inside your mind. Therefore unable to actually hurt anyone.

Victoria's talent was to escape/to run away. Being forced to rely on James or some other male vampire to physically fight.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter four: second chance?

Disclaimer: we don't own twilight

A/N:Hey, we know our writing sucks, but we really don't care. We're just doing it for fun. So don't bash us for something stupid like writing when we're obviously just writing whatever the hell comes to mind.

Jacob after hearing this realized, that his love for Bella was really real and that it was not just because she was going to bear the child of his imprint. Upon hearing this Renesme stormed out and Jacob and Bella were left to their day.

After having a two hour sob fest on Jake's shoulder, Bella's phone rang. Bella, not paying mind to the caller ID, instantly answered it.

"H-hellooo"

"Uh, Bella, it's Edward, I left my passion fruit soft skin lotion at our- well your- house. Are you gonne be there? I kind of want to pick it up now..."

Bella realizing her chance to strike back, took it. "Oh, Edward...I'm with Jake...on his bed right now."

"Oh really? That's so funny, because I'm with Tyler Crowley right now... d-do you remember him? He's the guy who almost crushed you flat with his van two years ago... how else do you think we bonded? We were just having se- a great time. So I'll come pick my passion fruit lotion up now. But congrats on Jake, that boy is fiiiiiiine. Bye."

"...okay, b-byeeeeeeeeeeeee." And thus was reduced into a sniveling pile of tears once more. So, in effort to comfort Bella, Jacob decided to distract her with other activities.

After said activities, Jacob confessed to Bella something she was dreading to hear.

"So, uh...you're terrible in bed and I'm going to get back together with Renesme now."

"No no no. n-n-not y-you tooooooooooooo." she whimpered. "Ju-just give me another chaaaance. My only experience is with a gaaaay man. P-practice makes p-p-perfect...mmm mmm ma mm maaaaa."

"No, I'm leaving Bella." Sprinting out the door into his wolf form.

For the third time in one day, Bella made a sound like a dying whale.


End file.
